Everybody says it’s chaos. Messy. Unexpected. Life, that is. I don’t mind it. The messiness. It kinda looks like my room, my planner (ok if I had a planner it’d probably be poorly organized), my hair. I can step around the chaotic parts, weave my way through the obstacles. I’m not good, though, at walking past some things. Some people. I can’t accept that my sister and I had a fight and that life’s messy and that’s it! I have to resolve it. I have to find out who was right and why. As long as it makes sense, I can move on.
I don’t have that many friends. My family is pretty small. I never really realized how I valued my relationships, until recently, when one was severed completely. The shock I felt, shocked me. I thought I could handle the unexpected, the big ol’ mess that some people create. But I can’t. Because it can’t be resolved. I know this and I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ve thrown rocks at my boyfriend’s head before. The next day I apologized, admitted to insanity and somehow we moved on. I credit him with being way too lenient; I credit myself with taking my apology one step further. I called a therapist the next week, told her I needed to see someone about my anger. I have to have a resolution. If something feels wrong with one of the few people I care about, I have to fix it.
What happens when you can’t fix it? What happens when you did something then someone else did something then you forgot what you even did in the first place because they kept shocking you with things that didn’t make any sense? I’m talking about burning bridges. Cutting ties. No need for specifics; I think everyone knows that weird discomfort, that weird sandess/madness that floods you when lose a friend. But why? Why and how and when and really why? And everyone says: “move on.” But it hasn’t been resolved, so what do I do next?
So I made a word list. Not a list but a jumble. A word jumble. Of things that make me happy, sad, excited, scared. Words that describe how I make it through one day, then every year after that. I’ve got people, I’ve got places. “Wine”‘s pretty big. All my animals are on there. There are some that I didn’t even realize I was writing. “Gone” shows up twice. There’s “fear” and there’s “home.” I have “being” and “becoming.”
And I have a hole, created by the kind of mess that lingers a little longer than the rest. So I’ll make it whole again. I’ve got plenty of words to show me how. Resolved: cooking/marsh/longing/self/Woolf/jeep/bed/espresso/1414/crab picking/pens/rain/trying just hard enough/mountains/valleys/talking/yelling.